Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
