If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
