I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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