You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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