For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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