she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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