i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Who died my cat blue again?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
