shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
