I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
