Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
