i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
