Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
