It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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