I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
