i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize