I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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