and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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