Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
