don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
