so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
