My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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