I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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