She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
