No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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