The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
