Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
