I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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