So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
honey bunches of taint.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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