You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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