y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
