you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
