just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
