My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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