cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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