How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
