I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
