I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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