life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
