New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
