it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
