i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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