Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
