I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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