Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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