do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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