I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize