It's Friday. Sex?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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