Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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