Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
