Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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