apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
