I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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