I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
