toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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