If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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