My nipple is on Facebook.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
