let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
