I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
